Ch-ch-ch-changes

Day 6 with no coffee. David Bowie could write a whole song about it.

This has been a big change. Although I have lingering headaches, those might be sinus-related at this time of the year. Change is hard, and this one has been like ripping off a Band-Aid. Like many life-changes I’ve experienced (divorce, moving), not everyone understands my motivation.

The big question has been “why?” Most people seem a little concerned. Frankly, if I had no health problems with coffee, I would still be drinking it. I like the taste, especially of an espresso with a little tablet of dark chocolate on the side like the serve in Europe. I have nothing against YOU drinking coffee and I know that caffeine in small doses can actually kick a workout into high gear, get rid of migraines, and increase focus at work. I just am not good at limiting myself. I’ve tried having just one cup and I want more. I end up drinking a whole pot, or making more.

Ballet Boy knows why. He knows that sometimes I felt desperate without it. That I was “strung out” before I had more morning coffee. It sometimes made me shaky to perform. It caused horrible burning in my stomach and throat, and nausea, especially in the morning. I felt like I was poisoning myself, but I couldn’t stop. My doctor wants me to take Prevacid to treat GERD, but I can’t combine it with my thyroid medicine that also needs to be taken an hour before eating.

Those feelings are gone. However, I’m not embracing tea yet. I associate tea with being sick or having a sore throat, and it feels watered down to me and flavorless. I’ve tried Irish Breakfast, Earl Grey, Constant Common and a lot of black Chai tea this week. Earl Grey and Chai stick out as my favorites.

Image

The other morning Ballet Boy asked me what I missed most. I told him it was the ritual of making it in the morning. I love(d) my Cuisinart drip maker with a grinder incorporated into the machine. I love(d) the smell of fresh beans in the morning when I open(ed) a canister or a new package. I love the coarse taste with a drop of milk. Note that I’m having trouble writing about this in past tense, and I had to edit this entire paragraph! As I sadly put the Cuisinart down into its box in the basement, I told my son it was like saying goodbye to a friend or breaking up. He told me that my reaction reminded him of what they had studied in Personal Development in seventh grade about addiction. I miss the ritual, the gestures. Eek!

Great! I’m an addict.

Image

It did take me an additional two days, but I just gave my coffee beans to my neighbor. Now I have nothing to make coffee with. It would be nice to think that someday I could just buy a cup at my local coffee bar. Just one. But that’s not for today.

~~

In the same way I’ve gone cold turkey on coffee, I’ve done the same on dating. I’ve refrained from discussing this subject here because it is a raw and personal one. I saw an old friend here who asked me yesterday if I was involved with anyone or dating. As I tried to tell her why I wasn’t, I felt sad. I’ve become very disillusioned with online dating, or the idea of dating at all. I hate the profiling involved online. Do I like one hair color over another? Do I care about ethnicity? If I put down I like to do sports, they match me with Iowa Hawkeye fans and hunters. If I kindly tell a man I’m not into dating him as I see he’s very attached to motorcycles and guns and those aren’t my thing, I get an angry and invasive email back telling me why I am close-minded and need to be more open. Dates with people I really don’t know feel artificial and tiresome.

I guess I am old-fashioned. I want to meet people in a social or work setting. I want a man to ask me to dinner, or for coffee. Wait, make that a glass of wine. I want to know I feel comfortable around that person, see how he interacts with others, instead of communicating by email only before meeting them.

But that just isn’t happening. I work in a small department and it would be more disastrous than anything to get involved with anyone there. Everyone is happily hooked or married, anyway. I believe there might be a few in my local symphonies interested, but they’ve not been forthcoming and don’t seem like good fits (smoking is a deal-breaker for me since I have asthma, a dog, and a child). And there are few people I can imagine fitting into the wonderful life that my son leads as a ballet dancer. He is unique, and it would take a unique kind of person to step into his life at this point.

It may have to wait. I feel like I’ve hit the “pause” button, and I know it’s necessary for some reasons, but sometimes it feels lonely.

Get out your hankies, folks!

I know the cure for that, though! A good run. šŸ™‚

Image

Advertisements

8 Replies to “Ch-ch-ch-changes”

  1. Good for you! Coffee is, at this point, something I would consider to be an optional change.

    I have had to make several mandatory dietary changes including going GF due to Hashimoto’s and then that stopped working due to IBS and other gut problems. Therefore, I had to go grain free, get rid of sugar entirely, and jettison chocolate (OUCH). After following the SCD, I feel loads better but still sometimes have a chocolate “slip” [as they say in AA] and boy do I pay for it. There are still some chemicals I can remove from my diet but not many. Coffee remains the final frontier but every time I get that acidy-rolling stomach thing, I consider it. I have cut down to no more than 2 cups a day and only have 1 most days due to time constraints. The most shocking reality has been that it is becoming increasingly difficult to socially dine with others after all of this. It bothers them more than me, but I’d rather not have the hassle/judgment/questions.

    Similar to your dating comment, I went cold turkey in removing the people toxins from my life. Wow what an improvement! The hard part comes when somebody inevitably tries to suck me back in. “Just say ‘no'” is the motto there. I’m still working on that saying no thing…after a lifetime at being horrible at saying no, I do see some progress with the usual backsliding.

    With those two major changes in my life I have to say that I am feeling quite good. The caveat is that I also feel a little lonely sometimes. Not often…as I relish my introverted nature and am fine with being by myself, however, it still happens now and then.

    1. I also eliminated gluten two years ago! It is a major change, and one that is a pain in the butt when you’re invited to someone’s house or out on a first date. I feel very high maintenance when I explain it to someone else, but it really helps. I did not test positive for celiac or anything else, but I felt a lot better when I cut it out and as you say, pay for it when I try to reintroduce it.

      I think my girlfriends and probably my family (although they wouldn’t say it) worry about me being alone. I feel the same way; I’ve made such monumental mistakes in the past that it is good to be wary and careful at this point. Most of the point I am pretty darn happy alone. Once in a while I could use someone to lean on and be there for me. My son shouldn’t have to fill that role at this point! And of course, there are a lot of other fun things I’m missing out on. šŸ™‚

      1. I wouldn’t have been successful in eliminating gluten if it didn’t escalate to the point of my lying on the floor and praying for death LOL! Seriously, yeah, that’s what it took. [hard headed, I am…] I avoid gluten now at all costs and once in awhile, when accidentally glutened, I’m reminded as to the “why” part. I recognize some do this for dietary choice reasons but for me, it’s not a choice. wahhh! šŸ™‚

        Yes, I’ve encountered that a little too, however, even my H said that I was the type of woman who didn’t “need” a man to get along in life. I think this was a surprise to him actually…and it sure runs counter to his past PA/Narc neediness. That said, emotional needs are just fine as long as they aren’t executed with a manipulative mindset.

        I understand what you mean about your son. I’ve tried to be so careful not to put any of that on my 17 year old but it’s such a fine line for me and is seemingly an unspoken potential burden for him. Talking about it helps.

        Finally, I understand needing/wanting someone to lean on. That’s where my lonely manifests and there are days I just want a hug or some comfort. Those are the tough days because I do tend to isolate myself more than I should when I’m feeling down.

        Hang in there kiddo!

  2. I feel your pain! Back in June my doctor told me I had to give up caffeine — a lovely drug I consumed, or more correctly, abused, from sunup to sundown. On the second day of my caffeine-free existence my wife starting hiding all of the sharp objects in our house and put 9-1-1 on speed dial. I stopped having the headaches by about the seventh or eighth day. Now I only drink water (too many chemicals in the caffeine-free diet drinks).

    1. I’m glad to hear the headaches will stop! I don’t drink soda unless I have a migraine, but it would be hard to give up tea when I’m often burning a candle at both ends. The first two days I felt like curling up into a ball…getting more mellow.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s